I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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