i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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