Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
