In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
so much tequila, so little girl.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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