Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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