You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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