woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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