I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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