I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She told me I should be a condom model.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
