Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
