I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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