she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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