i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have post one night stand depression
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
