He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
