This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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