I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
