i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
