my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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