Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
