The maid of honor just puked.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
