I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
