The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
