Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
