well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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