FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
