why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
