There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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