I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
