I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
