Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
