I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
