Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
