Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
