you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
