I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
where does the pee come out of this thing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
