I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize