I am in a vortex of obligation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
