I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
