I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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