I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So squirting runs in the family.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
