you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
