I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize