i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
