Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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