You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
