Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
