i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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