Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
