I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
