try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
time to smoke my breakfast
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
