so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
