I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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