Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She's the barista slut.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
