my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
