I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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