Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
