my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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