Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
