Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
